A List for Jessie

My good friend Jessie Lewis is always thinking outside the box and ahead of the game.  A few years ago she used to come up with these lists that helped people know more about her and described who she is.  It inspired me, so on November 2, 2009 I started to make my own list and kept it in my daily to-do-list/journal notebook that I carry everywhere.  It has only taken me 13 months to come up with 24 important things (guess I'm not that interesting).  Here's to you Jess...

1. I am afraid of flashlights in the dark; I'd rather it just be dark
2. I used to think that I had nice, light, highlights in my hair, turns out they are gray hairs and not attractive
3. Men in visors creep me out, yes even golfers
4. "Big Yellow Taxi" is the most annoying song of all time
5. Most overdone storylines are "Peter Pan" or "A Christmas Carol", think of something new Hollywood
6. Ice, good ice can transform any drink into an extraordinary experience
7. Hymn numbers that are posted at the front of the church, I add them up - always.  Today's total was 590
8. The folk song "Oh Shenandoah" from Virginia make me sad for hours every time I hear it
9. When I see yearly renewal stickers on license plates in the incorrect spot, I immediately assume that person is a total idiot. (even though I know several people that have them in the incorrect spot and I know them not to be idiots - when I see it on a stranger's car I make the judgement and there is no talking me out of it)
10. If I buy new tennis shoes, I will not wear them with old socks
11. One of the greatest feelings in the whole world is getting dressed after swimming, not sure why it is so different than getting dressed after showering but it is.  It makes you feel all warm and cozy inside
12. Since seeing David Miller in the 6th grade, I have always wanted to be able to spin my pen on my fingers; I can't.
13. It annoys me when people use other food items to push their food onto their forks.  Like a roll being used as a bulldozer to get pees on a fork.  No, no - I'd rather them use their fingers and lick them.
14. When people flip me off, I feel so downtrodden and the feeling lingers
15. I wink at the computer when I type something witty
16. Coke vs. Pepsi is a metaphor of my life - that's a entire post itself
17. A wave of loneliness comes over me when I am driving alone and see other cars with passengers
18. Those that steal pens or "forget" to put them back, well I think that speaks to their character
19. Whenever I'm in a bathroom that has those tile floors with the itty-bitty 1 inch tiles, I spell the word "hello" or "hi" in my mind with the tiles
20. The smell of gold colored, anti-bacterial, Dial soap makes me feel dirty and I won't use it
21. I love being a passenger in a car, especially the back seat where I can just look around and not talk to anybody
22. I think men in suits are sexy but the sexiest part is the way their pant leg falls over the shoe when they walk
23. I judge girls that wear open toed shoes without nail polish on
24. When I write my weekly correspondence, I won't do it without an actual paper dictionary nearby

So there you have it, 24 glances into my life.  Hope I did you proud Jess.

Restraining Order

Get this, I am under the protection of a restraining order and have a body guard with me all day...so you know I work for crazy rich people right? Well the head maintenance guy at their house went off the deep end and threatened to "kill us all if he was laid off". It just so happens that this guy is a Russian and former member of the KGB that is in the US under protection from the KGB and is considered armed, dangerous, and capable of very much. So basically due to a bunch of life events he was under a great amount of stress and for some unknown reason started bragging to the house cleaning staff about killing two guys for $30,000 and some other weird stuff like the "killing us all" comment. So they fired him and he went ballistic so the filed a restraining order against him and we were forced to have our names put on it. We have two body guards at our office all day now - we are supposed to call them as we approach the building and they walk us up to the office and if we leave they are to walk us back down. (Neither of which I do) My boss, must have one of them with her at all times like if she goes to meetings and at her house at night. This has made her very grouchy and quite snappy but I actually understand why - it would get so tiresome. They also have a 24/7 trailer on this guy's butt, so if they are watching him all day, couldn't they warn us if he comes near the office - sorry that was a side comment and besides the point. This is all so annoying and the guards aren't even cute like I hoped they would be and they wear really strong, old man cologne. Oh, and they have guards at my boss kids' schools too. It has made everybody quite edgy and stressed out at work. Does nobody see that this is complete overkill and absolutely insane? I mean this isn't Jason Bourne. So we have all these rules we have to follow about calling 911, what to do if he call us, what we must carry with us at all times (this big stack of papers, his picture, a description of his car, etc.). I'm more worried about breaking one of the silly rules than something actually happening. So this lasts for 15 days (it started on Monday) and then we go back to court to request for the restraining order to be permanent and this other madness will stop if that is the case (they say the key is him accepting the handsome severance package they are offering - guess money can buy just about anything). But until then, this is my life - fun huh? Wish they'd just took all the money this is costing and put it towards my salary this year.

My Life Has Reached A New Level of Pathetic

Get this, I've had glasses for about 4 years now. Nothing serious, just to drive, movie theaters, other things far away but it was getting so annoying because I liked how I could see with them but didn't care for wearing them. For example, not necessary but more enjoyable to watch TV with them on so things were crisp and sharp. I went to my trusty eye doctor last Monday and instead of getting new glasses, I asked him to try the contact lenses that you can wear day and night and only take out one day a week. Two-and-a-half hours later I finally left his office after passing his test of being able to put them both in myself and take at least one out and put it in myself. Two-and-a-half hours! If his assistant said to me "don't blink" one more time I was was going to take his VHS tutorial/propaganda from Bausch&Lomb and throw it threw the window. Anyways, I got them in and enjoyed them for a solid week until it was time to take them out. I tried got frustrated, tried again, got frustrated, and then called upon the trusty Jenna to help. She tried to coach me through and was very patient until she got mad, washed her hands in only that way nurses can, and said "look at me" and plucked them right out of both eyes. That brings us to this morning when I tried to put them back in and was late to work in the process. Decided that I just needed to cool down so took them to work to try later. All morning everybody kept commenting on how awful I looked, especially my eyes. Yeah, your eyes would look like this too if you just had spent 45 minutes prodding and poking them not to mention not wearing make-up so you could put the stupid contacts in without getting mascara all over them. So I had cooled down and figured I could do it so I went into the bathroom at work to try. Turns out I hadn't cooled down enough and still couldn't do it. And that's when my boss walked in and said, "Are you still trying to get those in? Give them to me and bend down!" So I obeyed but then she said "you are too tall go sit on that toilet and look at the ground" She then proceeded to pull my eyelid open and put my contact in. Then said, "now you try this one while I pee but if you don't have it in by the time I'm done, I'm doing that one too." Well sure enough I didn't have it in. It may not have been so bad if I wasn't sitting in the same stall that she had just come out off (I don't know why it seemed worse the 2nd time) and if 2 people hadn't walked in while this whole process was going on. But I felt like a 6 year old. And the office just loved the laughs. But at least they are in for another week. Jenna? What are you doing next Wednesday?

Just A Little Hole

Get this, did you know people don't sew holes in their socks? They just throw them away. I mean I can't even wrap by head around it. I have polled just about every one I have thought to ask in the last month and not a single person sews holes in their socks. (Okay maybe one agreed with me but this happens to be the same person that thinks it is okay to buy mattresses and couches at Goodwill so his hygenie ethics and level of thrift automatically disquailfiy him as a reliable source, not to even mention the other problems he has) In fact, not only do people not sew holes in their socks, they think I'm weird for doing it. Me? The weird one? No. It is natural to sew/darn socks. I mean for example, I just got this great pair of socks for Christmas and after only wearing them a few times I got a hole in them. I didn't have the right color of thread to fix them so I just used pink to spice it up. When my friends saw this at a recent gathering they went through the roof with how ridiculous it was that I didn't just throw them away. Throw them away? They are brand new. Their arguement was it only costs a buck or so and if it has a hole you have gotten your wear out of it and it is time to replace. No, no, no. If it has a little hole, it means that one tiny bit of a whole sock is worn but that doesn't mean it has lost its value. And a buck is a buck and sewing a hole costs nothing. It is just a little hole. They arguers were even less supportive when I declared that I probably haven't bought a pair of socks in at least 4 years. Although I have received enough as gifts to replace the few I could not salvage. It isn't like I'm boasting with my thrift becaus this isn't thrift - this is natural, every day behavior. Who doesn's sew holes in their socks? I mean really people, throw them away? It is just a little hole. Please somebody out there agree with me.

Bird Walking - Not To Be Confused With Bird Watching

Get this, I have now seen a woman taking her parrot for a walk on my way to work. That's right her parrot. I almost crashed the first time I saw it and the second time tried to get a picture with my phone before remembering when my brother tried to take a picture of a mountain while driving and ended up in a stream. I promise all readers of this blog to get a picture of it one day. I mean really, can you take a parrot out for a walk?

Don't Buy It Just Because You Have A Coupon

Get this, I had a coupon for 2000 Flushes and I thought "huh, sounds like a great idea not having to clean your toilet all the time." So I bought it with my coupon and threw it in there and all was well until a few weeks later I noticed blue water leaking all over my bathroom floor. My first line of defense was putting paper towels down to catch the water, then I had to move up to a little dish. After consulting with my brother Eric, I decided I needed to replace the rubber washer that creates the seal on the back of the tank. I replaced the seal and it still leaked. My Sherlockness decided it was actually the pipe that runs from the water supply to the tank that was leaking. So off to Ace Hardware I went again (a different one of course so they wouldn't think I was just a stupid girl that didn't know what I was doing) and bought a flexible tube because hear those are better anyways. However, I wanted to get all the 2000 Flushes out of the tank because I was not about to have it ruin all my new plumbing. In trying to rinse the blue gunk out a serious of unfortunate events caused it and the bucket of water I poured through the tank to splash everywhere. I was covered in blue as was the wall, the bathtub, the trashcan, and my favorite towel that the Webers gave me for high school graduation. The blue smurf hands would not come clean and that wouldn't have been such a big deal if I didn't have to host the 40 richest people in town at an evening at my employers home the next day. Embarrassing. Pure embarrassing. The terrible thing was that while the leaking stopped, now the toilet wouldn't fill with water. Again, after sleuthing around I realized it was because the black ball thing wasn't dropping to tell it to fill with water so I just left the lid off and pushed it down every time I went to the bathroom. I wasn't about to let the toilet win and I don't think it realized how content I was to spend the next year putting my had in the toilet tank after each time I went the bathroom. So I went on like that for a week or so but then decided I could totally replace that part so I headed out to yet a third Ace Hardware and got the entire stem. I'm not going to lie, it took a little doing to get the thing installed and adjust the water height and the like but I DID IT!!! And it works and it doesn't leak and I don't have to put my hand in the toilet anymore! And it only took 3 trips to Ace Hardware and $17.89 total in parts and hours of my time but I DID IT! I know it seems like I'm bragging and that's because I am. Hey look at me I may not be a model for domestic but when it comes to self-reliance, throw away the handbook because here I am. Oh and don't buy something just because you have a coupon; it may not be all it's cracked up to be.

Mattresses in the Alley

I've described this to people before but I had to cut and paste my previous message to them because I want to share this with all.

So get this, I think I have a chronic bed-wetter that lives in one of the places by me because there is a different mattress being thrown out in our alley at least once a week. And they stick around forever it seems and people push them over so they are blocking the alley enough that you can't drive by. I have reversed all the way down the alley because it will be a cold day before I will touch one of those things to move it out of the way. So I figure between all the buildings there could be no more than approximately 85 beds in there but how often do you replace a mattress like once every 10 years? I don't even know but I swear these people are going through them like toothpaste.

Anyways, I wanted to show proof of this phenomenon so I took a walk to take pictures of the ones that showed up this week. However, the one to the right is a first with the sheets still on. I mean really you don't have the time to take the sheet off before throwing out your mattress? So if you have any answers for me as to why this might happen please let me know. I have a feeling that it is some street code like the shoes on the telephone wires that I am clueless about and I really don't want to know.